paralysis

To be rendered homeless - whether by hurricane, poverty, or choice - is to be deprived of not simply physical shelter but emotional refuge. Home is where we return to, where we piece together the new pictures in our minds and try to make sense of our planet. Without home, we are unmoored. Mark Jenkins - Outside Magazine 01/2006

i am feeling a bit rootless at the moment. not sure where i stand, or where to go from here. this feeling of being unmoored is disconcerting to say the least. in the end, this is why i chose to come here, to feel uncomfortable. it's difficult to know it's self-inflicted suffering. (jon swenson always said i was a martyr-in-the-making) it was my hope that being loosed from the chains would help me push forward and grow. and at times it has. but there is also a feeling of paralysis. i struggle with decisions concerning the future, what i want, what i need, how to find the passion i am desperately searching for. i find myself slipping in and out of inactivity. city life is a bit stagnant. i am always on the move, always active, but it is my personal development that suffers. i always want to be accomplishing more, pushing myself further. it is not that i am unhappy, just discontent. this feeling is an old pattern that i just can't shake.

melancholy

[I]n Istanbul the remains of a glorious past and civilization are everywhere visible...Many Western writers and travellers find this charming. But for the city's more sensitive and attuned residents, these ruins are reminders that the present city is so poor and confused that it can never again dream of rising to the same heights of wealth, power and culture.

Orhan Pamuk Istanbul: Memories of a City

reading pamuk has given me a number of new perspectives on this trip, on istanbullu, and especially on this city. if nothing else, he has presented a more authentic interpretation of this place and this lifestyle. slowly, with orhan's help, i am shifting my perspective away from that of an awe-struck tourist. one thing few visitors to this city see is that what we view as magnificent pieces of architecture and history are reminders of the glories of an unredeemable past for those who are linked to these buildings' history. pamuk eloquently highlights the melancholy that these reminders invoke. a melancholy that is inextricably linked to those who call this place home. slowly my perspective is changing i am beginning to see this place in a different way.