paralysis
To be rendered homeless - whether by hurricane, poverty, or choice - is to be deprived of not simply physical shelter but emotional refuge. Home is where we return to, where we piece together the new pictures in our minds and try to make sense of our planet. Without home, we are unmoored. Mark Jenkins - Outside Magazine 01/2006
i am feeling a bit rootless at the moment. not sure where i stand, or where to go from here. this feeling of being unmoored is disconcerting to say the least. in the end, this is why i chose to come here, to feel uncomfortable. it's difficult to know it's self-inflicted suffering. (jon swenson always said i was a martyr-in-the-making) it was my hope that being loosed from the chains would help me push forward and grow. and at times it has. but there is also a feeling of paralysis. i struggle with decisions concerning the future, what i want, what i need, how to find the passion i am desperately searching for. i find myself slipping in and out of inactivity. city life is a bit stagnant. i am always on the move, always active, but it is my personal development that suffers. i always want to be accomplishing more, pushing myself further. it is not that i am unhappy, just discontent. this feeling is an old pattern that i just can't shake.
posted by admorriso at 11:22
2 Comments:
Being unsatisfied with your personal development is always better than being totally satisfied with it since it will encourage you to do more...Alhough there may be times when you feel you are doing relatively less,
I believe people who have accomplished more or are accomplishing more are the ones who are constantly in need of doing more.
City life may be stagnant depending on how you use your time. On the contrary, you may find things that will further develop and inspire you that does not exist in a small, quiet town. In the end it all depends on you...
But, above all, I know Istanbul can limit you sometimes... and that is when one feels like running away from this city...
"You can either, by running away from something, end up in Istanbul, or the time comes and you want to run away from Istanbul itself." Elif Safak
lara,
you are right about personal development pushing one to further personal development. in the end, i would rather be here than on the other side, developmental stagnation. i feel stagnant in the city because i dont have the freedom of getting away from it and all of its madness, to find respite in the comforts of nature. this was something i had in denver and i sorely miss. i knew this would be the situation when i moved here, but it is taking more adjustment than i anticipated. don't get me wrong this city is pushing me in new and exciting ways, challenging me in ways i couldn't be challenged back in colorado/wyoming. it is just not pushing me in the ways i had hoped. which means i need to adjust goals and my way of thinking about this experience. if i was more aware, i would have known this would be the case.
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